Introspective to a fault, I continue to try to better understand why every little thing about the weight loss process feels different this time around. I mean, I realize I'm in a different place, but I've been dieting and exercising to change my body for 15 years!! I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Every day I wake up and I'm ready to move. I missed one workout last week, but it wasn't because my motivation failed or I gave in to sleeping in instead. I missed it because my mom needed me to go with her to an unexpected meeting. I couldn't make it up in the evening because I already had plans in place. The biggest difference, however, was that I didn't get upset about it. I was not angry at what I couldn't control and I didn't kill myself in my Saturday workout to somehow "make up" for it. I stuck with my routine and continued on. I'm so proud of myself for that! Anyone who has ever struggled with exercise addiction understands how it becomes a compulsion...both your greatest desire and your most despised enemy. Right now I'm enjoying how my body feels when I move it, no strings attached! :D
I think when it comes down to it, the most significant change has to do with my body image and self-esteem. In the past, I was driven by a NEED to look different. I was miserable with how I looked and how I believed the world perceived me as a result. I couldn't stand being heavy and felt a sense of desperation about every part of losing weight. Therefore eating well and exercising became very closely tied to how I was doing emotionally, which contributed to the whole binge and purge cycle I got stuck in for a while. I really hated myself for a long time. I knew I was gifted at some things, but all my assets were, in my eyes, trumped by my weight. I couldn't see anything else. Even while I was outspoken about never judging someone based on their looks alone, I not only judged myself that way but also expected everyone else to do so, as well. I may not have been entirely wrong about being judged for my appearance (of COURSE it factors in), but I was definitely off in my assumptions that all their hypothetical judgments would be entirely negative!!
I find it very difficult to even type the words because the newness of my fresh perspective feels raw, but I want to record my thoughts. As I've grown more comfortable with my body and come to see beauty in myself (I have to credit my friend KH and veganism with this shift, but I'll write more on that in a later entry), I've begun to notice some things. Not only do I view myself differently now, it turns out I was wrong about others see me, too. While blinded by my own view of myself, I failed to see that many of the people I interact with completely disagree with my former very harsh opinion of my physical appearance! It's true...shocking, right? While everyone has different tastes and the level of appreciation (hehe) I receive differs from person to person...people treat me like I'm pretty. It may seem shallow--and perhaps it really is--but realizing that there are men in my life every day that think I'm attractive has been EARTH-SHATTERING for me. I'm still kinda reeling, actually. I know in the big picture this realization is a small thing, but it's been huge to me...and I think it plays a big part in why I feel so differently about weight loss this time around. Go figure. More later.
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